SUMMER HOLIDAYS

05/22/2011 21:33:00

Here we are and it is May. This is one of the busiest times of year for family lawyers after Christmas. Our practice is consumed by parents who are wrapped up in conflict over who should have what time if at all during the summer holidays - what this time should look like - one week? two weeks? each one month? and where are the children going to school in the fall.

To add to all of this, the courts are exceedingly busy and preparing for summer recess. Everybody wants their day in court and those days are numbered.

This is also by happy coincidence one of the times of year that children look forward to the most. Do you not recall being in school and counting down the days to summer holidays - to when you could sleep in; play with your friends; ride your bike; go to the lake? Fewer responsibilities. A happier, easier time of year.

It is critical that as parents, we remember this. That we do not make this time of year a time of conflict. That the summer memories we build are of campfires and picnics in the park; playing in the lake and in sprinklers; popsicles and slurpees. Children have approximately 12 summers during their childhood that they will actually recall. Of those 12 summers they will spend 3 working having taken on their first summer jobs to earn money for shopping, movies and hanging with their friends.

The time they have, the time we have is precious. Build memories. Not conflict.

Dr. Warshak has posted an interesting blog on preparing your child for summer when you and your partner have separated. There is an accompanying video. Take the time to educate yourself and make every effort to make this summer enjoyable for you and your family. Remember the goal should be to restructure not to segregate or take apart your family.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-warshak/why-kids-shouldnt-visit-p_b_857442.html?#s277705&title=Prepare_Your_Child

A CHILD FOCUSED SEPARATION

09/06/2010 22:55:00

"Divorce may liberate the parents, but it traps the sons and daughters for years." (Anonymous)

I practice law with a specialty in high conflict divorce and separation. My firm emphasizes a child focused philosophy with a goal of restructuring families.

People frequently come to my office looking for the following:

a) quote on the fees - the total amount it will cost to have their matter concluded;

b) an opinion not only on legal rights and obligations but a prediction as to the outcome of their matter in Court.

My answers to these are the same from client to client:

a) I cannot tell you how much your matter will cost-what the fees will be-how much this will set you back or you will need to borrow. Most lawyers bill by the hour. The total cost of the matter will be dependent on the number of hours which will be billed at the end of the day. I have not lived your life. I do not know your children or your partner, or yourself nor do I know the dynamics of your relationship or the conflict. The person in the best position to control the cost of the litigation or resolution of your matter is you. Nevertheless there are other factors which will contribute to the cost of the litigation and these include your former partner`s conduct and goals; the skills and style of practice that the other lawyer brings to the table; your ability to finance and retain para-professionals such as psychologists, social workers, accountants, etc. and even which Judge assists you and your lawyers in case conferences or at a motion;

b) I cannot, will not and do not give predictions or guarantees. The work I do with you is too important to reduce it to assumptions, predictions and statements which are generally not founded on the fact or the law but made simply to make you feel better about the process. Honesty, respect and consideration are the three things that I can, will and do commit to in my relationship with my clients and would be the same that I would expect from them. I will provide you with my opinion(s) as we go along through your matter, which opinions are founded in fact, the law, common sense, my experience with life and the human condition in my practice and in my personal life.

I strive to empower my clients. The best advice you can be givcen at the outset of a matter is:

a) aggressively case manage your own case. Be informed. Ask questions. If you can, make 3 copies of any documents that you are providing to your lawyer who will need one for him or herself, one for the other lawyer and one for the Court. Frequently you can do better at your office or a copy store than the typical rate being charged by the firm. Be organized and efficient in your communication with your lawyer. We bill by time. Vent with your friends and family, instruct your lawyer. For some people communicating via email is more cost effective as this causes you to focus and narrow the scope of your communication. When your lawyer asks for something, produce it as soon as you can. There is likely a very good reason he/she is asking for that answer/document/information. Delay is a contributing factor to escalating costs when the lawyer has to phone you or write to you to remind you and is also writing or talking to opposing counsel to explain why the information/document/answer has yet to be produced. Do not get too side-tracked or too consumed during your meetings with your lawyer with the emotional issues. There are social workers, counselors, psychologist, family physicians for this. There must be a part of your thinking that should be focused on treating your case like a business transaction. It is possible that your lawyer could obtain a court order for everything you are entitled to - you will be bankrupt but you will have everything you were entitled to. You must be able to look at the big picture and this includes the big FINANCIAL picture. You do have some control over this. Finally remember that your lawyer works for you. You are paying for the opinion but you make the decisions. You instruct the lawyer. This is your life. The lawyers and judges go away eventually. You will need to get out of this with emotional and financial resources sufficient to restructure your family in a positive and contructive way;

b) BE CHILD FOCUSED. As the Honorable Mr. Justice Brownstone has said - "you need to love your children more than you dislike/hate each other". At all times you must remember that the only people involved in your matter, in the litigation, that love those children are you and your partner. Although all of the professionals have made a serious commitment to your family and to you personally to assist you with a resolution to the matter, it may not be the resolution that either of you want in the end. If you are unable to resolve this matter yourselves even with the assistance of professionals, the bottom line is that people who are essentially strangers to you and your family will make decisions for your family that will affect you as individuals, parents, children for the rest of your lives. All of the best intentioned, educated, skilled professionals may still not come up with a resolution that accords more accurately with your children's best interests than you two as their parents, the two people who brought them into this world and love them could, if you could keep yourselves and the process child focused.

As lawyers, we go to school to study the law. We do not take parenting courses. Some of us do not have children. We do not have any special knowledge on education issues or schools in our community. We do not have to take social sciences courses although some of us have. We have no special knowledge as a result of our education on mental health issues, addiction, emotional trauma, adultery, financial planning etc unless we have specifically expanded our education to include courses on these topics or have personal life experience with respect to these but the lion's share of us are not experts in any of these areas. We are trained in the law. This is why I use so many para-professionals in my practice.

I believe this is also why so many are disappointed with the "system". It is not set up to deal with most of the issues in the restructuring of separating families. We do not have all the answers. The restructing of families must be dealt with in a global way and with a focus on the children and in the event that there are no children with a focus on allowing each other your humanity and focusing on the future and healing.

What are your thoughts?

A.M. Bayer

My Blog

SUMMER HOLIDAYS

A CHILD FOCUSED SEPARATION